I'm about to get up on a soapbox and speak about something I've been seeing quite a bit that has been destroying relationships and causing unhappy lives.
Remember, we interpret everything through our own socially constructed lenses, and that includes messages we hear from our spiritual teachers.
Today I'm going to share with you why the message you are taking from your spiritual teachers is wrong.
The 2nd noble truth in Buddhism states that all suffering arises from attachment to desire, so the solution therefore is to stop being attached to your desires.
Here’s the rub:
Part of being human is having desires.
Part of being human is attaching to others. Like it or not.
It does not make you co-dependent, it makes you human.
Two of the most Divine elements of our human experience include:
OUR DESIRES and OUR ATTACHMENT TO OTHERS.
In other words…Love.
Who would argue that LOVE does not bring out the most Divine in all of us?
Surely not the artists nor the poets…And now, in the last 20 years or so (this is very new), surely not the scientists – whether they are quantum physicists or neuroscientists.
I believe the spiritual teachers and the scientists are sharing the same message, but through the cultural lens upholding autonomy and individuality, it gets a bit misinterpreted.
The message that is being shared, even if misinterpreted:
We’re all interdependent.
Of the same formless stuff.
Substance. Source. God. Collective Consciousness. A big old hologram. What have you.
We don’t live in a vacuum.
To put it in scientific terms that even skeptics understand:
We are social mammals by nature.
We LITERALLY have “mirror neurons” in the front of our brains near our eyes that connect us to other people (gasp!) and cause us to be empathic (when we literally FEEL what another person is feeling).
That’s why EYE CONTACT is so important with the ones you love.
Attachment to any OUTCOME is a different story, and yes, we can get mixed up and confused around that.
Being ineffectively dependent on your partner and making him your be-all-end-all while forgetting your own needs is yet another problem.
Don’t do that, that is so 1950’s.
Instead, use these 3 steps to hitting it out of the ballpark in love:
Step 1: Tap into your own needs.
Step 2: Express them.
Step 3: Get them met. By someone else!!!
There. I said it!
Because guess what?
You can’t ALWAYS meet your own needs, despite whatever Kool-Aid you’re drinking.
Popular culture is stuck right now at Step 1. Love yourself! Right? I’m so over the whole idea of self-love. Self-love is so 2007.
It’s IMPOSSIBLE to meet your own needs because it’s simply NOT HOW YOU WERE MADE.
Sorry if this is news for you: You’re not Buddha. AS LONG AS WE’RE MAMMALS, WE’LL NEED EACH OTHER! Like it or not.
And as much as you’d like to deny it…
You know it in your bones:
You can’t do this life by yourself.
And while it’s true in many ways that others around you may drag you down into the OLD story as you are writing the NEW one, there is something to be said for the CONNECTION that you have with the people currently in your life.
Abraham-Hicks even refers to your “significant other” as your “insignificant other.” I happen to love Abraham-Hicks — and I understand the point they are driving home.
But I will shout it from the mountaintops:
Even if I am pissing off the deity that is Abraham. Your significant other is probably one of the most significant things you’ve got going for you. Your significant other is your TEACHER, your MIRROR, and your HEALER if you’ll allow him to be. Cutting him off and progressing through life as you expand your horizons is the EASY way out when it feels hard to stay connected. Assuming there is no outright abuse – I recommend that you GO DEEP together.
It can be SO difficult. But it’s so possible. Especially when you consider enlisting the support of an outside party who has a roadmap and can lead you OUT of the weeds and into something better than you could have ever even IMAGINED was possible.
What more important thing do you have to do?
It will heal YOUR life, not to mention the next generation’s.
BTW – I also believe that you’re MOST connected to your partner out of anyone else, and when you have a truly deep and fulfilling emotional connection with each other, you’ve got even MORE access to that formless substance, Source, God, Collective Consciousness, what have you…
Why not milk that connection and really enjoy it more in your life?
Cheers to thriving in business & in love,
Dr. Jenev Caddell is a relationship coach and clinical psychologist who helps entrepreneurs and their partners communicate better, understand each other, and be happy together. She sees her work at the corner where the cutting edge new science behind love meets business. Jenev understands that when we are stronger in love, we can do everything better. She believes that entrepreneurs are responsible for changing the world, and with rock solid relationships, they can do this even more effectively.
Jenev is the author of Your Best Love: The Couples Workbook and Guide to Their Best Relationship and founder of www.mybestrelationship.com.